What I learned on Twitter last week

@ChelseaVPeretti  "A billion is bitch shit compared to a trillion"

@morgan_murphy I once got so drunk I friend requested my stalker on facebook. FACT.

@3rdand10  I just tasted an old lady's fart in a 7-Eleven. I probably won't be tweeting anymore.

@CrackUpBoom   is wondering where it all went wrong when I'm seeing how many nose hairs I can pull out at one time as a form of entertainment.

@jimwindolf   Grampa used to say, "The Twitter will get your money, which is bad enough. But the Facebook, oh, the Facebook will rob you of your dignity."

Conversations

Somewhere between the third and thirteenth drink something changed. She set her glass on the bar in front of her, turned sideways, looked me in the eye and said “David Duchovny has the perfect ass” Was this supposed to be a question, some kind of a scientific statement, maybe a dream, a wish, or even a kind of test. There was no way I could be sure and none of the answers I was working on were going to be safe, so I sat there waiting and smiled at her. That's when she got up and left...just as I thought things were going so well. Apparently I was never in the running, like usual.

Kitchen Table Conversation

4 year nephew:  I wannna milf

me: wha?

4 year old nephew: I wan milf

me: what?

4 year old nephew:  I wanna milf

me: milf?

4 year old nephew: milf

me: milf?

4 year old nephew:   MILF...MILF!!!!...WHITE JUICE

me:  ohhhhhhhhhhh....I could use some of that too

...and that's how the day started

Good To Be Daft

                                

 Good To Be Daft



You In Love With A Chick On The West Coast & You All The Way On The East...?
"all up in that SEPtember ass"...i like it. thanks for that. but i think "dat" would've been more appropriate, no?

you went to DASH? we were supposed to go yesterdayy but ran out of time -_- were any of the girls theree?
that was good. lmfao. poor things :( i'd brag about sex if i never got any too. although its been a while

A quantum emotic is a brief good feeling generated in the mind of a consumer upon any contact (physical/non physical) with the product.
If all else fails buy a handbag

please do not direct any of those tourists to Norwood, please.
it is dependent on context. Are you outside a bar? Are you holding a PBR

Doctor Whisky you're the devil, you're leading me astray, over hills and mountains and to Americay...
I hate dumb bitches u can have my sloppy seconds any day he's old news

i realized that once I took a closer look at you and all of your sordid tonterias....
hey, you are all wrong. Its not for you. Normally all my twifriend ask the meaning

what? You don't like my pool picture? I cropped out all the back hair.
 I am seriously thinking about taking my monroe out for good. But my face will feel nakeds.

I am in love with my dog. Is this wrong
It's more than you ever deserve yet never enough!

Troll Foot looks to constructive day for all
Off to meeting. I used pringles to eat my salad, which though clever, did defeat the object of having a carb free salad! Good to be daft

only tweets 21 years old or older appear in twitterpoem

Rob Tracy 1

“Uzbekistan ?!?!”

“Really??”

“Nah...That's alright, I understand.”

“I know things are falling apart all over. I suppose it's tougher than ever in spots like that. Over there, wherever it is exactly. I know it was part of Soviet Empire or some Turkish thing, so it's gotta be over there, somewhere. But I'd have to look at a map to be sure.”

“I'm surprised you heard about it tho. Bad news travels fast, huh?”

“They need goats?”

“Goats?”

“I suppose that makes sense, you always make sense.”

“Yeah...goats are great pets. Faithful things and I read they're almost smart as pigs.”

“You mean they're not pets?”

“They must be used to provide some kind of hair or wool for yarn then. That way they can make clothes. Stay warm. That's nice”

“Not the hair?”

“Milk...you can drink goat milk, right? Can you give a baby goat milk?”

“If you can that'd be a great idea....a way to keep the kids healthy.”

“I think I saw it in the grocery store once....yeah, goat milk.”

“Not milk?”

“HUH?!”

“Dinner ?!?!

“Biryani? Goatlash? Goat kabobs?”

“Ummmm......I hear it's good for the digestion.”

“I guess.”

“Give a man a fish and he'll eat for the day but give a man a goat and he'll invite the neighbors over.”

“Why not.”

“No, no, that's alright...I can wait for the $145 you owe me...no problem. If we can reduce the agida in Uzbekistan I'm all for it. There must a charity or something I can send a donation to. I'd like to see everyone with his own new goat. That'd be cool”

Beautiful video shot by Katie West while on a trip to Japan in May 2010. 

What I Learned On Twitter last Week

@bradmantv  twilight is like soccer, they run around for two hours, nobody scores, and the billion fans who watch it insist you just dont understand

@cjanecrowell  just cleaned out closet and was mildly amused to find Margaret Thatcher under my stack of sweatpants.

@dooce  What do you do if you're on an all protein diet and you have to take the sacrament? Pretend it really is "the body"?

@SarahKSilverman Tampon strings should be waterproof. 1 pre-flight pee &I have to sit on a tiny wet rope for 5 hours? Boo.

@3rdand10 Sean Hannity looks like a youth minister that's really into scat videos and amputee porn.